the problem of hindsight is that you know what went wrong, but at the time you never knew what was wrong or what went wrong ,or worse, you knew but didn't act.

how i wish i knew this, how i wish i did that.

honestly i thought i learned to be proactive and more aware of situations as not to lead situations or cases where i feel did not result in the best circumstance possible. Many times in the past i've found myself feeling the same way i do now. each time it was a critical juncture in the way i live my life and i often reflect back to that point as a way to reestablish or reaffirm that i am on the right path. but when the thoughts storm the head again, it must mean another change.

too much time, too many thoughts

Unfortunately with the new found time i have this semester i've had a lot of time to think and analyze about the things i never had time to sit down to think about. What a tragedy to go through an entire semester not truly being able to analyze important issues and courses of action. I know that I did my best in decision-making throughout the constant crisis managment that continuously raged on. but at what cost, was it worth it?

life philosophy re-examined

i know that in the context of my previous beliefs, the personal cost to myself would and are always justified if it results in miniscule but lasting positive change for others that will multiply on its own. but what happens when a cost is so great, yet the justification for it fails to come into existence. the strenuous efforts put forth would and did feel completely wasted. and thus i was confronted to change my dive right in and help mentality.

dive right in and help, recent history

a year or two ago i thought i faced the same dilemma of whether the cost was worth it. the efforts of a year were finally justified. it was a sweet conversation of triumph and vindication so i set out thinking i was still on the right path.

fast forward to now. i feel beaten and distraught. its not that i didn't know the world held such difficulties, i just wasn't realistic about the complexity impossibility of change.

the barrier of change

a combination of incompetance, stupidity, ignorance, self-absorbtion, warped sense of reality, misconceptions. i used to think that it was impossible for one person to wreck  the positive of many others. evil truly is more potent than the same amount of good.

addition of a goal of life

stop the perpetration of misconceptions.

i should have reread my xanga long time ago.